01 Jun Why I am a photographer
It happens for me to wonder why I do what I do.
Why would anyone ever be a photographer? Especially full-time. The money is bad. The contracts aren’t guaranteed. The work is never-ending. You are forced to do things that you don’t like doing – such as accounting, secretary work or more. Ouuuff. It’s extremely easy to want to quit. Taking pretty photos are only 10% of the actual job!
Maybe I should go back to being a designer and working a 9-5. Then, on the weekends, I could take photos of people. That would probably ease my mind knowing that I’ll make my mortgage every month.
I often think about it.
Thing is, I am convinced that the world isn’t really what we see. That true reality doesn’t exist.
A lot of sh*t happened to me growing up. Most events, I couldn’t explain. WHY DID IT HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME? The chances of getting an actual answer are pretty slim. Instead, I would create my own reality. “Ok there Voodoo girl. What the hell are you talking about?” I sit down and make sense of the event in my own way. I explain to myself why it could have happened and what I learned from it. Is it true? Probably not. But it becomes true to me and helps me move on.
What you see isn’t always real. Do you believe that? Ok, it’s real but it’s perceived by you in a different way than someone else. Hence, a true “reality” doesn’t exist. There’s many realities of an event based on who you are.
I know you loved your boyfriend but was he really “the one”? Or was it just a temporary emotion because you were in the relationship? Was he perhaps in your life because you needed to learn something about yourself? What are you telling yourself. Are you taking that breakup as a lesson or are you just resenting him for being “a jerk”? What’s the value in that to you?
Is your nose really as big as you think it is? Or are you simply too focused on it? How come is it that when you are in a good mood, your nose just isn’t so bad?
I want to see the world differently. I don’t want to see it depending on what I know, or what I’m feeling at that moment. If I’m sad one morning, I don’t want to see the world as sad. Or if I’m mad, I don’t want to see the world as ugly. I don’t want to be dependant on mood!
Instead, I want to understand that the world isn’t as I THINK is it and believe that I can change my perspective. Once you understand that aspect, then it opens up a whole new world for you. Why wouldn’t it be the same when I think about myself? My body doesn’t change daily. No. Neither does yours. However, I go two days in a row to the store and try on the SAME shirt. One day, I could totally hate and looking absolutely fat in it and the next day… I might buy it. Did that ever happen to you? Is that evidence enough that you aren’t as “yuck” as you think you are?
Did you ever try looking at yourself in the mirror? No, I mean, REALLY looking at yourself in the mirror. Go do it after this post.
Go stare at yourself for about 10 minutes (really). As you are looking at yourself, focus on a different spot on your face for about two or three minutes each. First your eyes. Then, your eyebrows. Then your nose and then, your mouth. After each focus sessions, look at your face as a whole. Does your gaze seem to will always go back and focus on that previous spot?
You’ll notice that you look different. The first time I did this (by accident) I freaked out a little. For the simple fact that I saw myself in another perspective. It started to make me think that maybe my friends don’t actually see my face the same way I see my face. Maybe my eyes (which I hate) aren’t the focal point on my face? Impossible. If I focus on my mouth for 3 minutes, my eyes actually don’t look that big anymore. It’s actually in proportion with my mouth. They simply look bigger to me because I focus on them too much. Could that be true?
It’s an incredible exercise to do. It makes you realize that what you see is psychological and that you shouldn’t worry too much about what you look like, as each person might see you in a different way.
Your family knows you are beautiful because they love you. Not because they “have to say that”. They actually believe that you are! You don’t think you are beautiful because might have had a bad day… or a bad week. But you will tomorrow when you feel better. I promise.
I guess that why I learned to create my own reality. When you are having trouble moving on or something, make up a story about why it happened. Because for all you know, it could be true. Here’s the thing: You can’t change the past. So, help yourself explain why it happened and move the f*ck on. Make sense?
I don’t think I would be able to go back to a 9-5. Back to routine, suits, and offices. Without realizing it, I have trained myself all these years to see the world differently. I like the idea that, if I wanted, I could create my own reality and start seeing the world as a gentle, innocent place from time to time. I also learned that I really like paying attention to little details around me. Lines, colors, patterns, and emotions. I want to analyze them… deconstruct them… and find a way to show you how I see you. You are beautiful.
I guess photography is the only way to do it that won’t make me look crazy.